I Have Been Lied To

It is no secret that life is hard sometimes. I know this. I don't run from it. I often times find myself seeking out the more challenging roads in life, thinking that traveling them will make me better, stronger, more valuable somehow.

But I am also a performer. I am the oldest in my family, my parents' only daughter, and I have spent much of my life doing responsible things that might gain the favor of those around me. I do things that I know I can do well. I don't do things that I am afraid of failing. I am desperately afraid of not measuring up.

This summer, after bringing Abraham home, I experienced a low. I knew that I wasn't feeling right, I knew that I spend too much time surrounded by an unexplainable cloud of hopelessness, but I couldn't put my finger on where it was coming from. Abraham was not a burden or a source of stress. Yes, parenting 5 children is sometimes difficult and often chaotic, but my children are not unusually high-maintenance kids. So what is this? Where is it coming from?

I started paying attention to my thoughts. I noticed that there are some regulars. I even started writing them down as they came. They are in bold because they are oftentimes LOUD thoughts in my head. They go something like this:

You keep struggling with the same things over and over.
You can't do this.
You will fail.
He would have been better off without you.
You are a bad mother.
The poverty/orphan situation/injustice in the world is hopeless.
You can't talk about this.
No one understands what you are going through.

Through tears and frustration, I have learned to take my thoughts captive. I have learned to take them to my God to see what is truth and what is not. I have learned that defeat is not in the plan for me. "For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins" (Col. 1:13-14) and that no matter what the source, I can cast all my anxiety on Him because He cares for me. I have learned to use the sword of the spirit, which is the Word of God.


I think I am learning not to retreat when hurts and failures hit. I think that instead of complaining, "Lord, this is hard!" I am learning to pray, "Refine me. Don't let me waste this trial. Persevere me."  I think I am learning to use my tools without worshipping them.

Over a decade ago, an older female mentor told me that there was no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  What?!  I had gone to church my entire life, and spent several years attending Christian schools and had never heard that.  How could it be true?  I knew I was condemned.  I was a drop-out teenage mother, at odds with my family, in a relationship that was going nowhere.  I had messed up everything.  I heard voices of condemnation every single day and had mistaken them for a heavenly guilt trip.  But no, she said.  The voice of condemnation I heard was not the voice of my God.  It is God's kindness that leads men to repentance.  Not condemnation.  I can still feel the relief from the burden that those words lifted off of my shoulders.  It was my first taste of grace.

It seems that the enemy of souls is still up to his old tricks.  It seems that he still whispers in my ear, and that sometimes I accidentally believe him.   His lies are getting sneakier.  Often they have some truth woven into them. 

Last year, God prompted me to begin memorizing large chunks of scripture. The first thing He had me memorize was James 1. Such a beginner's chapter, James 1. I think I felt a little beyond it, like that was only a chapter for baby Christians or something. But James 1 is EXACTLY what I need. Previously, I knew in my head that trials were a blessing, but now my heart can sing that I "consider it PURE JOY, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance" and that "perseverance must finish its work in you so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

I have to believe that I am not the only woman whose mind is under attack. My sword is the living and active Word of God, alive in my heart and emblazoned on my mind. It is my defense, our defense.  I believe in its power with everything in me.

You keep falling into the same sins over and over.

“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Phil. 1:6

"If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old is gone, the new has come." II Cor. 5:17

You can't do this.
You will fail.

"The One who called you is faithful and HE WILL DO IT." I Thess. 5:24


"Such is the confidence that we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God." II Cor. 3:4-5

"I have been crucified with Christ.  It is no longer I who lives, but Christ lives in me.  And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Gal. 2:20

He would have been better off without you.
You are a bad mother.

"And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:19


"For the Lord is a sun and a shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly." Ps. 84:11


"And we know that in ALL THINGS God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

(The truth is that many times I am a bad mother. My kids will have scars because we are not perfect parents. But God is faithful to redeem scars. Even my bad mothering is not enough to thwart His good plans for His children.)

The poverty and injustice in the world is hopeless.

"The Lord works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed." Ps 103:6


"For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken." Ps 62:5-6

"Learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow’s cause." Is. 1:17

You can't talk about this.
No one understands what you are going through.

"There is NOTHING NEW under the sun." Ecc. 1:9b


"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man." I Cor 10:13a

(And then the very best one!)

"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:15-16

(Yes, we do not have a high priest who is unable to relate! We have a high priest who put on flesh! Not only does he know every temptation I have ever or will ever know, but His grace and mercy SATISFIES in every time of need!)

The Word of God is a sanctuary, and the name of the Lord is a strong tower. This lesson is not just about adoption. It's about growing in trials and learning to lay my heart open wide when it hurts instead of shutting it down. It's about finding hope in God alone.  It's about learning that my thoughts will take me captive if I do not capture them first.  It is about the power of the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God.

"Is not my word like fire, declares the LORD, and like a hammer that breaks the rock in pieces?" Jer. 23:29